Have the Conversation Outside the Bedroom

This is more figurative than literal. It’s more about timing than location. Don’t bring it up when you’re about to have sex, in the middle of having sex, or immediately after. This can make your partner feel pressured, and that’s the last thing you want.

Instead, bring it up over a meal or at bedtime on a night when you haven’t had sex. A time when sex is not an option is best for this conversation because your partner won’t feel they need to make an immediate decision. It also ensures that you don’t end up having unsatisfying sex because the conversation doesn’t go well.

Don’t Try to Surprise Them with Anal Sex

There’s nothing sexy about a surprise penis or anal toy shoved up your butt – unless you’ve agreed to be surprised that way first. So don’t do this to your partner. Even if your partner has indicated they’re willing to try, don’t surprise them. Anal sex is much sexier when you’ve talked about the details and any reservations your partner has first. Discuss what positions you’ll try, how much lube to use, and whether you’ll use condoms.

We were attending a sexually oriented conference earlier this year. Two people had agreed on sex but “accidentally” there was anal penetration. The people were asked to leave the conference for the remainder of the time. The tensions rose so high that legal action was threatened. So be sure you have your partner’s buy-in.

Give Them Space to Consider the Idea

After the discussion, give your partner some time to consider the idea. Unless they shut the idea down completely during the conversation, give them at least a few days or weeks before you bring it up again. To help you remain patient and help your partner not feel pressured, consider setting a specific date and time to revisit the discussion.

During this time, don’t stop having sex. While you may think it’s less pressure, your partner may misinterpret it to mean that if they say no to anal sex, you may withhold all other forms of sex. Keep the erotic energy high, and they may be more open to the idea of anal sex.

Offer to Research Anal Play Together

Sometimes people hesitate because they simply don’t know much about anal play. They’ve heard of it and perhaps have a basic idea of what it is, but that’s all. In this case, you can help ease their reluctance by offering to research anal sex together.

Try making it sexy and fun instead of like you’re writing an essay. Look for sites that offer video or audio information, so it’s not all dry reading. Spend the time touching your partner, so they know you love and want them, regardless of whether they want to give anal play a try or not.

If They Want to Try Anal Sex

Before you let your excitement get the better of you, slow down and have another conversation. First, you want to ensure that their “yes” is an enthusiastic and eager one – not a “I just want you to stop asking about it, so let’s do it” one.

Ask a few simple questions, such as:

• Have you had anal sex before? If so, what did you enjoy? What did you not enjoy?
• Should we experiment with anal toys as part of our experience or stick with just our bodies?
• What about anal play turns you on or makes you want to try it?
• What needs to happen for you to consider anal sex a pleasurable experience?

Make sure you answer these questions instead of just asking them. If you’re more experienced than your partner, your answers may help them relax into the experience more.

If They Don’t Want to Try Anal Play

If your partner says no, you should accept that response. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t ask a few follow-up questions.

Start by thanking them for their honesty and telling them you respect their decision. Then ask:

• Is this a hard no that you do not want to discuss again or is it a no for now that we might be able to revisit in the future?
• Can you tell me why you’re saying no?

The first question ensures you don’t unintentionally pressure your partner. The second question lets you reassure them and perhaps open their mind more to the idea. For example, if they tell you they’re concerned it’s unhygienic, you can offer up information about how to deal with hygiene. If they’re concerned about pain, you can discuss using lots of lube, going slowly, and making sure there’s a safe word so you can stop the instant they feel any pain or discomfort.

Regardless of why they say no, respecting it and not pressuring them to change their mind is critical. Also be mindful that you should be willing to be on the receiving end as much as your partner. That is not to say that you have to, but be considerate that if you’re doing the asking that you should also be willing to experience what you’re asking them to.

Your relationship is so much more than sex and you don’t want to drive a wedge between you and your partner over this. Anal sex can be an intimate, pleasurable experience when shared by two willing and eager partners. The key is to be sure that your partner is willing and eager. This happens by not pressuring them. Open the discussion, follow these steps, and respect whatever answer you receive. Regardless of the yes or no, your relationship will be stronger simply for having the conversation in the first place.

If you want to make your first anal experience together special, contact us to discuss the perfect romantic destinations to make your experience erotic and intimate.